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Hey! This Blog will contain a lots of stuff that won't always go together. I'll post the long form versions of stand-up sets, crazy shit I wrote for sketches, and general stuff I'm feeling at the moment. Unlike the Fake Interviews section, all of this stuff is real and I feel it. Please enjoy!

BOSTON CREAM INSANITY

NOPE.

There is no light or healthy variation of a Boston Cream Pie (BCP).

I get it. You're trying to eat healthy. I'm a great big fat man. I know all about eating healthy. One of the things I've learned is to not try to replace the horrible, fucked up shit you eat with slightly less horrifying versions of that fucked up shit. You'll never lose the craving for a real BCP if you eat its healthier version. There's no way to cheat this system. If you think this is healthy, you might eat 4 or 5. Because it's good for you. Meanwhile, you likely consumed more sugar, chemicals, and calories than if you would have just had an actual BCP.

Also, what are the natural flavors of this yogurt? Cream? Sounds real fat burning, right?

Imagine an assembly line where handcrafted BCPs are beaten with bats into sludge, doused in active cultures, and sprinkled with pro-biotics. This is the only scenario I can imagine where anything BCP derived would contain natural flavors.

I like BCPs. I also realize I can't eat them too often. That's why the diet gods said, "Let there be cheat days." Treat yourself to a baked good that revels in delicious unhealthiness. Don't eat fake sludge that likes to call itself health food. That is not a cone of yogurt. It is a cone of lies.

/Preachy.