Koala bears are the cuddle bunnies that evolution forgot.
Look at them.
Adorable little bastards. They look like Muppets with souls. But, not in the Twilight Zone way where their souls are present, yet rotted to the point that they try to kill all humans. No. These are indifferent little fuzzballs that like to hang out and eat leaves.
In fact, leaves are the only way they obtain nutrition. After a few years, they grind their teeth down to nubs. All those leaves, man. Since they can no longer obtain nutrition, they simply fall out of their trees and lay on the ground waiting for death to satiate their hunger.
I know. That's a little too flowery with the language. It's fucked up, though! Like, that has to be a horrible site. You're a non-animal-hunting-dentist walking through wildlife and it just starts raining starving Koala bears.
How could this happen? Evolution should've kicked in and spawned a race of Koala bears with stronger teeth that liked steak. They probably wouldn't be the same, passive little silly billies they've always been. They would use their newfound strength to form a subculture of militarized Koala bears. They would fight social injustices such as fat shaming, the wage gap, and the presidential campaign of Donald Trump. Gone would be the day of eating leaves. Ha! Those sad leaves that kept Koala bears down would be ground up with mud and spread on their furry little bodies. This war paint would strike fear into their opponents. It would look exactly like this:
Fuck, yeah!
Sadly, this is a just a case of wishful thinking. Koala bears still rely on leaves for nutrition. If their frail grip on the tree branch of life wasn't heartbreaking enough, consider some of their other issues.
They often acquire chlamydia. That's right! The STD! It's apparently a really common bacteria in Koala town, Australia. Or, maybe they knock boots a lot. I mean, that's exactly what you would do if you wanted to feel alive while you're waiting for your teeth to cause your death. Maybe they could strap it up while they're bussin' down, though.
Koala bears have other natural predators besides their teeth and whoreish libidos. They are commonly hunted by dingoes. This was mind blowing to me. I mean, I didn't know dingoes were a thing. I thought they were just those creepy flying fuckers from the Wizard of OZ. They were the namesake of Seth Green's band on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They are, apparently, also real. They're not badass, though. All they do is wait for Kutey Koala to loose the strength in her right paw. This prey literally grows on trees.
The same can be said for the other main threat to the Koala bear: The Powerful Owl. Again. Mind. Blown. Powerful owl? Is this the Mark Twain description of a mere owl? "Everyone had a powerful lot to say about that powerful owl." Honestly, I wasn't aware that owls even ate. I thought they just sat up in trees staring directly into the eyes of other animals. All the while, they ask the same rhetorical question over and over again. "Who? Who?" You! You little asshole. Man. Imagine a group of poor starving Koala bears being taunted by one of these guys.
As humans, we should protect Koala bears. Some people might balk at this idea. They would say stuff like: "They have the word BEAR in their name! They can help themselves!" I was prepared for this argument. I want to appeal to the capitalist in all of us. We could help these frail, fornicating, fuzz balls by developing Koala Bear Dentures (KBDs). The benefits are many. And we could monetize with just a little help from corporate sponsors. How's about it, Donald Trump?
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